ups and downs

I’ve not posted a lot of late. And I’m not sure why. Seems like sometimes my thoughts introvert, hide away and stew a bit. Or they privatize, wandering about while mildly put off by exposure. Or they rest, not really all that stimulated by the usual topics. Or they wait, as life enters into a mild vacation of sorts for a brief time until all manner of activity explodes. Or they are reduced by a Spring cold, blocked by mild headache, sore throat, and congestion for a little over a week.

Sometimes all of these at once. Which is the season I’m in now.

Last Monday I got home from a ten day trip to the Portland area. I know a number of people from that part of the world, oddly enough, but that wasn’t my reason for going. My reasons were much more narrow. And happy. Very happy as it turned out.

Went up to visit Amy, to see if there was a spark.

Patrick and Amy

There was. Quite a spark. By the end of the week the spark ignited. We’re working out what it means to be so close so far away. I suspect for the time being it means a developing familiarity with airports.

Needless to say my mind wasn’t quite on the usual topics that have kept me occupied round these parts.

While up there I also had a chance to preach, something I’ve not done for a long while. A long, long while. Amy’s pastor was taking time off and I spoke on my book. I think it was a very good experience and had a good reception. I struggle at times because my book sales are still rather a lot low without any particular reason I can figure out, a frustration to be sure and one that I have to continually put into God’s hands. Yet, moments like those become encouragements, helping me to see again why I wrote what I did and helping me to see there is a need for more reaching out. I don’t know if it was recorded or not. If not then I’m going to re-record it and then also post the text.

A lot of my life is in flux right now. I don’t know where I’ll be living this summer or this fall. I might move down to Pasadena to be closer to Fuller–I’d like to–but other considerations abound. I might take summer school–French or German–though I might just try to be diligent in self study so as to test out of my language requirements. I am trying to finish another book before all the school stuff starts, though I’m mixed in motivation. My present sales heartily discourage, the whole effect of writing on my heart and soul encourage.

I stumble and lose faith and hope. I doubt that good things will remain good. I hope that God is working. I trust that he will lead to where he wants me to be. I pray he will continue to teach and develop and hone. Doubts abound but so do hopes. I hope to hold onto that hope, to see where it might lead.

I smile and I wonder and I laugh and I ponder and I fear and I dream. I want to say so much, yet wonder who is listening. I want to stay silent, yet wonder if I should speak. I want to dance and also hide in the corner at the same time. Good and wonderful things are developing. But the ship has not yet reached port.

So I’ll just keep my wits about me and pray for fair winds.

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