The journal five years ago: March 24, 2004

My present paper is finished, and I took the weekend off. Then, not surprisingly, I caught a cold and my head is stuffy and my body is achy. Fortunately, I have a lot of these posts left, catching myself up with myself.

March 24, 2004

Morning — It is dark out still, only the barest hint of blue in the black sky. Faint outlines of branches swaying in the fair breeze can be seen. All is quiet still, and I am awake.

I put my shoulders down, take a forceful step, then another, pressing forward. I am called to write, I believe, and when I do not engage this call for whatever reason I feel the darkness creeping up and in. It chases me, and I must stay active to keep beyond its grasp. So, today I discard those things which distract. I put aside even those things which are helpful in other ways, which are good and right, thinking now only of my goal, of the single cause, of the primary purpose of my present being. I lean into the wind and forget what is behind and around, blocking out the voices and noises of the world, seeking to take hold of that again which seems resonating with the Spirit.

It is not a choice. My soul demands this today. I must re-engage, even if it means everything else is lost. My eyes have trouble focusing on the goal, the end, and so all other distractions must be sacrificed, and tomorrow, and the next, until I again can dance with the rhythm, and lose myself in the melody, allowing other parts to merge with the fluidity of being.

And so I begin.

Evening – Dark again, later than I would like. I’m off to bed, hoping for another early morning.

This morning went as I had hoped, a ruthless re-engaging with my called task, and I felt the inner surge of joy which came from such momentum. I shall press on the same tomorrow.

I continue to seek to pray, continue to walk in a way which shows I am not settled, trusting in the nudges of the Spirit, and hoping I hear right. I can do no more, only I wish I could see more than I see. The broader narrative is beyond my scope, and I only know limited parts. So I do and do, not knowing why, feeling my way around in what is dark. At the end of the road, I’ll see, I know. The only way I will be able to look back with honor is to be able to say I did all I knew to do. I can not be asked more than that.

I feel good this evening, cautious, but good. There are many things afoot I think. I must press on.

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