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I’ve found some old journals, from my college and pre-college days. These aren’t really personal, as much as spiritual explorations. Honestly and earnestly said, to be sure, just tending towards the religious rather than the daily wanderings through my life.

One religious moment has long stuck in my mind, and while I could place the year, I didn’t know the exact time. It was when I came across Philippians 1:21 and couldn’t let go of it. It stuck out to me and grabbed my brain.

Sometime that day, my junior year at Wheaton, January 19, 1996 I wrote:

To live is Christ, to die is gain. I understand that second part. Heaven. But what does the first mean? It seems grammatically wrong, yet… to live is Christ. All that life is, does, or desires is Christ. Life is not fun, sad, or anything but Christ. What a statement. I know that this is a statement which I cannot call my own. Yet, I think that it is what Christ wants of me. I pray that I might someday be able to understand this.

Now, a little more than a decade later, I think I understand this verse. I’m not quite at the point I can call it my own, but I’m closer.

I certainly had no idea what this prayer meant at the time, for my time.

My suggestion? Get a commentary rather than praying such a prayer. 🙂

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