Whither me?

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I haven’t been posting regularly. And I certainly haven’t been posting a great deal of substance. I don’t really know why. Maybe it’s because I’ve been writing a lot in other places, some of which may be leaking out here, some of which not. Mabye it’s because I’ve had points of distraction which call me away from the computer. Maybe it’s because I’m just in a mood of Spring, where I’d rather be elsewhere, rather than staring in front of a computer. I’d rather be staring at a sea lion or 200, or a ray gliding through the ocean, or at the coreopsis blooming on an offshore island. Or at the waves rolling against my kayak, or at a sail making sure it is trimmed properly for the wind. Maybe I’d rather be teaching somewhere, letting my excitement for a subject pour outwards. Or doing some creative work with others, letting our combined gifts develop into something rather amazing. I don’t know.

A friend asked me recently and I responded with these words. Though I don’t know if they are spot on either. They are words, however, and sometimes throwing enough out there will triangulate the issue:

The old webpage is a reflection of my own thinking I suppose, and I suppose my own thinking is encountering a bit of a puzzled season. Hopefully this week I will be better able to get back to those things which spark my thinking. I’ve fallen off a bit in my reading, and then coupling that with my increasing disinterest in things political, and the fact I need to recharge the batteries for my camera, well, I guess things don’t get mentioned. And I realized I was encountering a lot of personal things, with me and others, and couldn’t get around to writing about the things I was thinking about. It’s a mess.

Also, and I think connected with this is my increasing realization that I, as a writer and as a person, will really only find freedom when I really get to letting everything go. This has been a process, much of which has been started for me and outside of me, but now I’m really hitting a wall and realizing it is because I am still too tied down, in expectations, in considerations, in hopes, in frustrations. I’m far too self-conscious, and that is robbing me of my creativity. The problem, now, is that my situation greatly encourages a self-consciousness as I have no other project outside myself to occupy my mind and pull me into some grand goal. So, I have to learn to let everything go, especially myself, when there is only myself.

That’s a trick. And that’s not the only trick. The spiritual path is to hold everything loosely, to let it all go not only as a hope but also as a weight, while at the same time engaging all things, and people, with hope. I have to learn how to never have any expectations, to never let my soul be caught up in others opinions of me, and still love and invest in people as though all things depended on it. To love and let go all at once, fully for both. That’s a great trick. But, I see in that, should it ever happen, I will find a whole new reality opening up for me, a releasing out of the prison of my own mind, to say and to think and to act in ways that aren’t necessarily altogether new, but with a freedom I’ve never felt, and which would allow me to really become.

That’s what I said to her. But I’m thinking it’s more the fact that it’s Spring. And Spring makes me wander afield a bit more in my soul, catching me staring wistfully at the breeze tossed limbs, and longingly at the clouds billowing by. I think my mind retreats a bit. Calms a bit. Seeks a bit. Enters into extended moments of variously affected pensiveness.

All of which, gathered together in the bundle of my present existence, leads to a lull in posting. Only for a time, I imagine.

One Response to “Whither me?”

  1. punch drunk Says:

    Some people think holding on loosely is a spiritual cheap trick. It’s actually a spiritual .38 special.

    The thought of things you mention in your first paragraph help make these next two weeks bearable.