I think I’ve figured it out. Well, part of it. The first bit at least. Clearly not the whole thing. But, a start is a start. You know when a car is out of alignment. It drifts. It’s not like you are turning the wheel or intentionally swerving. The car just drifts. It’s not a like a wrong turn was made, nothing that drastic. The car won’t stay on a straight line, forcing one to continually counter steer in order to stay on line. If one lets go of the wheel, well the car can get into a different lane… which is really bad on a two lane road.
I’m out of alignment. Since my birthday. The week before I was flying, reading long passages of theological texts under candlelight during the evenings. Tonight I watched two hours of Law and Order.
Yes, I’ve been drinking water, and I went kayaking on Friday… though I’m not sure if spending most of the weekend away was good for my alignment even if it was good for my soul. Can something be good for the soul but keep one off track. Maybe… though it doesn’t make it bad. Swerving to miss the squirrel in the road and hitting the curb will knock the alignment right out but it is the better thing to do.
The question is more how to adjust myself back. I don’t know how to align my car, and don’t have the equipment to do it even if I had the skills. I think I know more about spirituality and have the right tools. Now, it’s more a matter of finding the root cause as well as putting things right.
It’s not bad, nothing is wrong, indeed much is fine and well, only I’m out of alignment and I don’t like that state. Maybe it’s me, an internal disorder. Maybe it’s outside me, a swirling of indistinct discernment. I don’t know. It is why I haven’t been writing, and it’s why I feel off even if I don’t feel bad.
There’s something missing, some piece, some bit of knowledge, some unfulfilled something which my soul is asking for only I can’t interpret it rightly. Maybe it’s out of my control. Either way there are always things I can do to focus, and those I shall pursue a bit more on the morrow. A little bit of the Jesus prayer, and other prayers, focus on writing and pushing that forward, maybe some time amidst the trees, letting the wind serenade me.
Maybe I need to see the sunrise again. Or maybe hear the gulls call from over a rocky beach.
Take some drastic step? Wait in peace and calm?
Something to pray about, all something to pray about.