I’m fairly certain I’ve lost some friends this past couple of months. Now, in the past I’ve had that happened and I’ve lamented the decisions I’ve made. Well, not much lamented the decisions as lamented the fact that I really thought that God was leading me towards making those decisions and lamented the fact that some people aren’t good about dealing with people they find inexplicable. They didn’t agree or understand, and drifted off.
Now, though, I realize I made decisions and if I’ve lost friends over it it’s entirely my own fault. As I wonder about this I wonder both about what to do and I wonder about the inner workings of my own soul that led to this unfortunate state. Now that I’m starting to feel more open again I’m feeling it a lot more heavy. Which is basically the one negative aspect to my decidedly more cheery state of late.
It is often thought that the spiritual quest is one of finding out our callings, or our goals, or our focus, or otherwise those enriching points of interaction between God and our lives, so that we can set aside the frustrations of mundane life and move onwards to the higher planes of fruitful existence.
Only, from what I can tell, while that’s a part that’s not nearly the whole of spiritual progression, especially at its more mature phases.
Finding a calling or purpose or focus is all well and good. Gives a bit of hope and purpose to what might otherwise be long seasons of slogging.
But, the more mature phases, from what I can tell, involve already knowing the calling then sloughing off those inner realities that hamper and restrain. Which means we go from rejoicing in being saved by Grace so that we can learn who we really are, to being propelled by grace to overcome those issues and tendencies which are not part of who we really are. God teaches and we reach, straining because of the grace and light of Christ, through the power of the Holy Spirit, but straining still because, you know, those parts that aren’t who we are really seem like they are ever so precious to who we thought we were.
It gets complicated. But, it’s the way of wholeness, stillness, and peace.
June 19, 2007 at 6:50 pm
I want you to know that you haven’t lost me as a friend, even though there were times I wondered about whether or not you really wanted a friendship with me. The thing is, I’ve lost friends, too, through the times I drew into myself. Eventually, the number of friends I had didn’t take up one hand. In my attempt to regain those friends I have found that they have moved on. It’s heartbreaking, and something I deeply regret. And yes, it was my fault. However, God blessed me with two dear friends who stuck through it with me (actually, I count a married couple as one, so technically there were three). I’m still close with them, if not in distance, then in friendship.
I want you to know that when it comes to friendship, no matter what you do, I’ll still be there.