Learning to Dance

Explorations in the Spiritual Life

Date: August 1, 2005

evening

“That’s it,” I said, at least said spiritually if not verbally. The day was a beautiful one and I decided anything which needed to be done today could be done on another day. This was a day in which I needed to sit outside underneath a cedar tree and read some high quality theology, finding myself retuned by reading about the Spirit and by sitting in the midst of the creation of the Spirit, reading about the Wind while a fair breeze blew all around.

I also, on a whim, wrote a little bit of a diversion, finding my answer to the question about my personal biography becoming a rather curious response. And after I wrote it I felt renewed. I don’t know why, except I had no purpose in writing and it felt freeing to me.

So there you go. Theology and whimsy. Such things are good for the soul.

afternoon

This seems like a good time to again note that this webpage is about my spiritual state. Thus the frustrations and suchlike are meant to express how my soul seems to be winding its way along.

The curious thing is this isn’t always connected to my emotional state. I note this because I think I come off sounding terribly down when if you talked to me at that moment I would be doing just fine, if not better.

There are not too many places where our spiritual state can be the primary face to this world. So I have this page.

I’m really a cheery fellow most of the time. Quite so in fact some might say. This isn’t a fake or illusion for the public. It’s just that when we look inward we see ourselves in a different light, and so I can wander through this world with sincere hope, and yet still have to wrestle with those inner frustrations that all too often stay buried.

So there you go. I hope this helped.

morning

The problem, of course, with sporadic writing on a page which is meant to track the regular rhythms of life is that such sporadic writings don’t well represent the regular rhythms. Rather, they represent those moments which for whatever reason I choose to write something. This seems to be when I feel like finding some excuse or establishing some point or making note of an extreme.

What it doesn’t do is find that fluidity of being which must be found in the day to day experiences. After my post last night I looked at the recent posts and realized each was a bump of frustration. That characterizes my written week, or month, but not my real week or month. For the most part I don’t write here when nothing seems to be happening or when things are fairly bland, emotionally and spiritually. And so that was July.

The bland is almost worse than anything because it lulls one into a vague discontent or even a vague content neither of which sparks movement or change. People can live decades for there.

This morning I realize I feel a vague disappointment, a disappointment at feeling I was part of something then realizing I wasn’t as much as I thought. It’s hard thinking one is on a team but finding out the team isn’t quite thinking the same way.

So I press on. Finding in my frustration and disappointment the spurring to get back towards that which fills the soul for its own sake.

And I note this not without hope. There are many different strands wandering around… and maybe it is those I am supposed to follow without depending on the vague content of the moment.

There is only to follow the light and flee from the darkness and confusion, when the darkness overcomes it’s likely a sign one didn’t quite get around to following that light, because such light often comes from peculiar directions.

We can only pray and ponder, and trust God is working.

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