This has been a week filled with ups and downs, often taking place within the course of a day, occasionally all through the day. I realized today I was holding on, but holding on with a dissipating coherence. It was like my soul was slowly falling apart, and yet there was enough substance to manage my tasks, and be at least a shadow of who I am supposed to be.
But, today I realized this isn’t enough. The persistent incoherence in my being became just a little too pronounced, my anger and frustrations becoming a distraction. And with such distractions as these, which are not at all common, I realize I am at a crossroads. Or rather a u-turn. I can go back and find the trails anew, or I can press onwards in this loss of coherence.
Likely only a few people could even see this in me, and more than a few likely have talked to me and seen me over the last few weeks and not suspected there was anything amiss. Really there wasn’t. It’s a trend, and a trend I don’t want to participate in.
Part of this is realizing that I plain don’t like computers. Odd thing to write in this context, I know. I’d be happy to never turn one on again for the rest of my life if that was an option. I realize that while I am learning and interacting, too much time spent staring at the glare seeps into my soul, acting like oxygen on the iron within.
I begin to rust you see. So, rather than pressing onwards without caring, I decided to stop today. I decided to read, and eat a significant less, and sit in my room, trying to restore my soul, so that it not only appears filled with light, it might really be once more.
Oddly enough, this all wasn’t without times of spirituality. I prayed, and wrestled with God, finding his light and being light. So, I look within tonight not as much with guilt or shame, but more with concern at the growing shadows. It’s time to stop and look about, restoring my center and coherence, finding the light of the Spirit, and renewing those things which renew my soul. I picked up some nice theology, and likely will spend a large portion of the week doing little else than surrounding myself with thoughts on God and his work in this world.
The pondering of the Divine fills and restores my soul, and so to Scripture and History and theology I shall go, taking a wee vacation from these other tasks. For no one is helped when I am lost in incoherence of being. Not me, and not those around me.
So now there is only to turn around and look about. I already feel the renewal beginning.