I haven’t been writing here recently, or anywhere very much for that matter. The reasons are varied and all too uninteresting being mostly internal kinds of reasons and not a fascinating reason like fire or flood or marriage or some such upheaval. Maybe that’s the issue, my life is so completely un-upheaved nothing stirs around the sediment, letting everything settle to the bottom where it’s difficult to find.
It’s not that I am averse to some such upheaval, though I would certainly prefer the positive sort to the more negative kinds at this point in my life. In fact I tend to thrive at such times, finding myself at the lowest ebb when there’s nothing provoking my heart or soul or mind. God knows this and in his great wisdom knows I can only discern the texture of his work in the silence and stillness of a humbled state, and so removes the provacations of activity that would otherwise ignite my being towards some great cause.
I was expecting to begin teaching this week, and so in doing stir my soul towards activity and proclamation of learned insight, finding my status rather cut short when the powers that be decided an art teacher was more capable of teaching US history than me, though as they make those kinds of decisions I didn’t take it personally, especially as it wasn’t a gauge of my teaching–something they never saw. Of course I did take it a little personally, as it happened to my person and not someone else, thereby upsetting the plans of not only the next two months but as I have been preparing to teach such fairly upsetting the plans of the last two months as well.
There’s a mostly full moon out now, low in the sky and of a curiously yellow shade at the moment. It is also the first day of summer, and as such something of note to say that I am wide awake before dawn comes. The confluence of moon and sun in the night’s thoughts seems a useful call to write, if only to say why I haven’t been writing, which is to say I’m not sure beyond that absence of inspiration towards such in my soul.
And yet there is inspiration towards such. It is like a flashlight shining out bright but with nothing to illuminate. There’s nothing for the light to settle on it seems, so I look about, wondering where I am.
Thoughts bounce around, none too compelling to settle down, none too focused to find expression, all too fleeting to be captured and tamed.
I pick up some of my treasured spiritual writers and experience the same sort of satisfaction a hiker finds when coming upon a particularly beautiful mountain stream. So there’s that. I need to return to that with regular focus. This leads me towards prayer, and I need to return to that with regular focus, finding my prayer to be hanging around without a regular schedule or focus, a life of happenstance prayer which pursues the depths with just enough intensity to keep my head above water, which isn’t enough if I want to cross the wide ocean.
And I need to exercise again, run and kayak and the like, my spiritual feeling the listlessness of too much time spent without the delight of active movement.
I also need to wait and have faith and realize the stillness of the moment, finding wisdom in this cell, finding hope in the quiet, finding power as I let loose the promises of false power to embrace the fullness of ultimate power.
So there’s that. It’s the first day of summer and it seems like such a day is made for realizing such things and putting them into renewed practice.