Writing ultimately is about thinking on a subject. It’s putting into words a situation or feeling in a way which communicates that reality to another.
So, what to do when the thoughts themselves do not coalesce or the words do not come. It is like a bar too wide to grab, the hand can’t wrap around it, no matter what angle it tries.
Various things stir about in my life, none related. I feel called, yes called, to pray for a specific person, and I don’t know why. Various obvious reasons wind their way through my brain, though my present situation seems to negate these reasons, leaving me to pray and speak… with limited visibility. God could do many things, wonderful things… such things that are seemingly out of my hands, even if I have a part. I hold these things lightly, at least I should.
I feel a yearning to write, only my creative spark has dimmed, my creative approaches have dulled, and initial responses have dried. I’m a wee bit lost in this now. Again… limited visibility.
Then I have friends, good friends, wandering in a fog of their own, a thick, dangerous fog which is filled with dangers on all sides. I find myself not only praying for them but indeed taking on some of the burdens they feel. Not purposefully, and not really intellecually understandable. I know that in the last few weeks I’ve identified on a deep level at times, feeling and thinking outside of myself. Twice I’ve felt crushed, absolutely hopeless, only to hear that those very moments were when one of these people were feeling absolute, wonderful peace. Quantum emotions? I realize this is a part of my spirituality, and something which I’ve realized for a number of years now, only it takes me by surprise. If I intensely pray I find my emotions being stirred, taking on the texture of that which I am praying for, either in empathy or in absorbtion. My former pastor/boss saw this as a reality which meant I wasn’t intended for the Church. I felt too much in a situation… an odd thing given my generally very strong INTJ personality. It’s the work of the Spirit, not personality which evokes this empathy… a fact which confused those at my church who saw my reactions to a very difficult church situation as being emotional faults.
That I called everything right wasn’t the point. It was that in calling things right I absorb the emotions of the situation, and in a way share deeply in what the Spirit is doing in others. This, thankfully, is also a reality with those who resonate wonderful aspects of the Spirit, and get my exhortative/encouraging parts to go into overdrive. I see more in people than they see in themselves… or often want to see in themselves.
These swirling realities are likely why I appreciate the solitude of the forest, at least as much as I can get of it. They also throw me for a loop as I can’t be either inward nor outward, but a confused mucking up of neither. For a reason? That gets me back to the visibility business.
So tonight I feel mucked up. I feel like I’ve stepped off some path and can’t quite get myself back on it, nor know if I want to really. I wouldn’t mind a significant change of pace, maybe to a different state, though I am learned enough to admit that this feeling may or may not have any connection to the Spirit’s guidance. That, I guess, is out of my hands at this moment.
I increasingly feel there is only to pray, though I’m not necessarily increasingly praying. That muddle again pops up and keeps me looking outward when I feel inward, not trusting either direction and finding myself wandering in neither direction.
I feel like I’m waiting for a phone call to put it all straight, something which will help me say, “aha.” I also know not to really trust this, even if it’s true.
So, I continue to wait.