I barely looked outside today. Fog was rolling about, the weather was dark, with only glimpses of light, and there were scattered animals foraging. But I was inward.
I’ve lost my center you see. My balance has been disturbed. I know the immediate push of this, wrestling with that which is beyond my ability or power, wrestling with daring and intensity at times, finding myself emptied now.
There’s more than this. I’ve lost my center, and my focus, and my heart at some point and need to find it. Because if I have lost this, there is nothing else. There are no answers, no hopes, no dreams. There are no paths which bring delight, and all I see are the shadows about me.
Not to say anything has changed, or that there are not bright spots which one can point to. It’s that I’ve lost my balance, my center and really I have to be ruthless about finding it again, or being found by it again. Until I do I am myself a waste.
The only problem is I don’t know what this means, or what to do in this moment. I have to let go of certain tasks and certain responsibilities, holding onto only those I am sure are Spirit directed. These things encompass both good and bad aspects. But those things which encourage my emptied heart, or stimulate my loss of center… those things I have to loosen.
I am off track, and I know it with all my being, for my being does not bear well with being off track. And those for whom God has indeed called me to participate with… are not wanting a me that is off track. I have to recover this balance, and this center, above all things.
There is nothing else.
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