The day is crisp and gorgeous. I leave my window open at night, and a fan near the window because I love the cold air when I sleep. Last night I had four blankets piled on me, the last coming in the wee hours of the morning when I woke up with a bit of a chill, despite the three hearty blankets I fell asleep with. I threw another one on, considered my thoughts, prayed for those who came to mind, and fell back asleep, not waking until about 8:30… a very late sleeping in for me. I woke up and watched the breeze stir the bright green branches of a cedar, and watched as juncoes, chickadees, squirrels and chipmunks began their day foraging outside my window. It is always a disney scene when I wake up, but for the animals speaking or singing in good English.

Over the last few days, since Thanksgiving, I’ve mellowed. Not a good mellow necessarily. Every few months, or maybe a bit longer, I come to an end. And end of what I rarely know, only I know it is an end just as I know when I come to the end of pier. I stop and look around, look inward, retreating for the most part from most interactions with others, even as tenuous as my interactions with others are these days.

Sometimes, in the past, I’ve become mired in these places. This time I pressed for some kind of light, and pressed onwards in at least feeding a creative burning. There is a certain amount of courage which comes from the realization that God has his firm and strong hand on one’s life. It is a courage which encourages reaching out in diverse directions with an understanding that any development will be stopped dead if it is not purely the purpose of God. This is my life the last many years, so now when I reach out I do it without expectation of anything, except that God will or will not lead whatever I do towards something more. What that more is remains always a mystery until it is revealed. Or not. That is the other side of a heavy hand… there is a lot done which bears no fruit, and a lot which seems overwhelmingly stifling if one forgets to view the world through the lense of faith.

So, I do and do, some days feeling discouraged over years of not seeing fruit from continual work, like today. But, there is only to press onwards, because now I’m in a situation where I’m wholly dependent on the work of God, and wholly unable to seize hold of that which is distant from his purposes in my life. This is not now a happy place, but it is a good place, as in our culture the ability to seize hold of what we think is right in the moment is likely the largest hindrance to true spiritual growth in the long term.

So, I do and do. And pray. Pray for light and encouragement, for restoration and resetting, pray htat something I do echoes past the enclosed walls of the present outwards towards some benefit. There is only obedience. And there is only to renew one’s sight so that I can see with sanctified eyes that which would otherwise be discouragement.