The purest signs of Fall are exhibiting themselves today. The sun no longer peeks through my northwest facing window, having moved too far south. Squirrels are running around, seeming to be a lot fatter than earlier in the year. And best of all, most beautiful of all, large yellow oak leaves, shaped like big hands, are floating down from the heights, sticking in the needles of the evergreens, bright yellow badges for the cedars and firs to wear.
Yesterday I didn’t write, and there was no reason for it other than completely falling into writing my primary work all morning and into the afternoon, then shutting off my computer early in the evening for no other reason than to enjoy a glare free evening with a fine book.
Today, I woke up without the same eternal yearning, finding the low slope once more, knowing that all it would have taken was a good push on my part to re-engage the heights of yesterday, and not giving that push. I mourn for my own lack in this regard, but know that today is just a day. There are many more, and the trend upwards continues.
I seek heaven. Not with complete consistency, nor always with absolute fervor. Like a man in a foxhole with bombs bursting about, my heart falls at times, wishing for relief. But the battle waging is a vital one, and though my heart may waver, I pray my courage to press onwards never does. I seek God, and I seek him through the paths he has opened up, I seek him despite myself, despite the many ways in which my own actions seem to undermine the cause. I continue on because I know that I can do nothing else. I have to. This is the path God has given, and now I am committed to it.
I pray and continue to pray, firmly believing in the power of prayer, firmly trusting that God is indeed at work. When I pray for others I absolutely believe he listens, it surprises me if there is not an answer of some sort. So when I pray for my own cause I am left with the realization that God is answering and this present is his answer. I am to walk a road which he has, so that I end up where he wants me.
For had I had answers to past prayers, I would not be writing, and I would not be engaging the Gospels to any near degree as I do so now. This all despite my lack and failings. I press onwards because I fail, and God wants more of me, and wants me to become more of me.
I slip and stumble, but at my core God knows my heart, and knows that I truly only desire his goodness for my life, and to become a true servant for his purposes. The process to getting to this point is sometimes absurd. But, the Bible tells me to expect that, so I’ll keep at what he has called me to do.