This page should be renamed Only Evening I guess. Ah well.
What is to say? I went running today, and when I came back a weight fell onto my soul which lasts still. A deep depression, without a cause or issue which it condemns, more a general kind which taps my soul, and makes the world a little darker and a little more irritating.
Well, maybe more interesting are my visitors this morning. I woke up early, about 4:30, and turned on my light to read a book of Christology which I have owned for about three years and never got around to reading. I’m trying to spark my mind more than anything else, get myself to think about Jesus and his nature, and how others saw him.
Then a robust flying mammal came in from the living room and did a couple of laps around my ceiling.
I flew out of bed, down the stairs, turned the light on. That little bugger followed me out my bedroom door, down the stairs. I crouched down, because no one likes to be buzzed by a bat, and scurried to the sliding glass door, and then the front door, opening both, turning on the outside lights. I was getting the screen door to stay open, using that little metal widget on the hinge, when that bat buzzed me again, coming within five inches of my nose. He knew the way out was to get me to go through the rigmarole of letting it out.
Smart bat. He saw my light turn on, and got me out of bed. He followed me downstairs, then right out the door once it was open. I enjoyed the adventure and hope he doesn’t call again.
So, back to bed. Back to my book on Christology. Few minutes of reading. Small grey blur on the floor next to my bed. Ahhh, I think, nervousness from a bat’s visit giving me visions of more unwelcome guests.
Then the grey blur moves more slowly towards my door, underneath my door, and out.
Short tail, grey body. My research today suggests it was a shrew.
A bat and a shrew… in the house, all before 5 am.
The joys of mountain life I suppose.
I kept reading, after noting the shrew disappeared once outside my door, and my shoving a blanket around the crack at the bottom. Two hours and many, many pages later, I fell back asleep, woke up at 9, drowsy and thirsty.
I hate that feeling. Somehow I eked out a solid day’s worth of productivity, hedging my bets now with various ventures. Even did some editing.
And realized that just because a person sets up a life to purposefully pursue Christ, it doesn’t mean it always works out that way. My spiritual life is bland, empty, weak. My spiritual habits are diminished, my mind ventures only with effort to the heights.
I honestly don’t know the source of this. Am I wading through a thick swamp? Is it purely a matter of a lack of my own discipline? Are there spiritual forces impeding my progress? What I can’t see I don’t know.
I know only my part. So I went running today, and so I took up to restore the broader influences in my life so as to get my mind to think in a more Christ filled way.
Putting on the show does not change the reality. It helps, and having a suitable environment is indeed worthwhile. But, at the end of the day all that matters is how one reflects Christ in mind and soul and body through actions, deeds and decisions.
Maybe that is the source of my present depression. I don’t feel like I measure up to even this these days.
Sleep does much, cooler weather will as well. Above all is simply the pressing on despite my feelings. There are things to do which are before me, and I’ll do them, letting the consequences and results sort themselves out over time, as God works and wills.