I woke before dawn, and I’m not sure why. Thoughts of today’s tasks passed through my head, but instead of leaping out of bed and engaging the editing and research of the day, I leaned over and picked up a magazine of logic puzzles, which I bought a couple of weeks ago in order to ‘stimulate my mind’. I’m not sure it’s working.

With a new desk I have more space for books, or cups and plates, only the larger size made me turn from my previous perspective. From the corner of my eye I could see outside. Now, I dwell more firmly in the corner, and have to make a physical effort to see the goings on of this forest world, hence my lack of noting how the natural world looks this morning. Though, I should add that the sight of chipmunks rustling through the needles and dirt on the hillside opposite never becomes tiresome. They are engaging little beasties, alert and quick, cute beyond description.

After a puzzle or two I did get to work, first editing, then researching. For whatever reason it seems that a great deal more is written about Sepphoris than Capernaum. Methinks I’m going to have to stir from my mountain perch and wander once more in a library.

The editing is daunting to be honest. I’m feeling restrained, like a great writer is within me, only I self-edit myself too much, not becoming loose and fluid with my words. I feel like if I would to close my eyes and let my fingers go I could come up with something brilliant. But, thinking inhibits. I don’t feel the looseness, and need to find that breaking out point in which my writing takes on that quality which I know it can.

I think this is an aspect of my seeking to control my various moods. Depressing tendencies have, for the most part, been overcome, only in doing that I’ve stifled some measure of my release. I’ve lost my poetry, or rather I’ve buried it deep within with suspicion.

Somehow I need to find out how to let it out once more, gain back a freedom in my writing, unrestrain my heart and words so that my imagination is not shackled by my conscious self. It’s up there, and it is wanting release.

Inner conflict. That’s my present state. I hope I win.