Learning to Dance

Explorations in the Spiritual Life

Date: July 2, 2004

evening

I let the darkness descend without response, enjoying the waning light, and waxing stars. The shadows of sunset lingered until well past eight, and I lingered all day until right now.

All the animals were busy outside, the birds were fluttering about. I wasn’t.

I stayed still most of the day and read for a bit, played a computer game for a bit, and generally did nothing.

Pushing sometimes results in getting nowhere, sitting still lets the mind wander back to golden fields, where seeds planted now grow tall, waving in the west breeze.

I may not press onward tomorrow, for my soul, my mind, my being needs the realization which comes from release, which comes from letting go those things I hold so tightly despite myself. The anchor has been thrown out, and I am pummeled by the crashing waves, rather than floating with the current.

To drift is not bad for a time. One might find direction anew.

Little was done, but I end the day with the thought that much was accomplished. The miracle and genius of the sabbath.

morning

I put my contacts, a new pair, in this morning, and not long after took them out. Blurry eyes tell me that some more time without bits of plastic in my eyes would be most appreciated.

Which means, I’ve fairly decided to take the day off from more active pursuits.

Not a bad thing. I realized through the night, stirred by peculiar, albeit mundane, dreams that I have strived for a long while without really releasing my reality to God.

Despite my words of hopeful intent, I really do seek to prove myself, to come out a phoenix from the ashes, and thus redeem myself in the eyes of people who find me rather too complicated and inconvenient for the time being.

This means I’ve stirred myself to constant activity, whether it be writing or web design. But I haven’t released the underlying ambitions, nor let loose the passion to assert myself. I care too much, with pride and vainglory hidden in humbling circumstances but not quite stricken of their power in my heart. I tore off the end of the sliver, but the part under the skin remains, festering.

Can I do nothing? Really, letting go of it all, trusting that God is in charge, and like with Joseph in prison or David in the caves learning ever again it is more a matter of me becoming than me doing? Do I trust that I can sit back and not thrust myself out, because God is doing a work. And if he is not.. then like the words of Daniels friends, I shall trust anyhow in him for who he is.

I feel guilty for stopping and guilty for pressing myself forward. There is the middle ground, where I relax my heart and soul and body, learning to trust in the God who calls and guides, knowing that if I can ever really learn utter faith, and trust in his character, I will find a prize which no amount of money or fame can buy.

And today, this means stopping. Because in stopping I am conceding once again the fact that it is not within me to do God’s will, only his grace and power will be the source of whatever I do in his name, whether perpetually humble or grand.

To strive after God can become in itself a sin, if we are so intent on moving towards him, we miss him as he comes towards us.

I pray I see peace, and feel the presence of the Spirit who calls me to rest in security and awareness that God is the one who I serve, and when he calls, I will know and will respond.

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