Learning to Dance

Explorations in the Spiritual Life

Date: May 29, 2004

evening

It was a winding path today, a path from confusion to light, and back again. Memorial Day Weekend begins. Only a few also realize it is Pentecost weekend. The church was born tomorrow.

There is no fog tonight, the stars are bright and clear, little breeze can be felt.

I spent an hour playing saxophone in the light of the half moon. It was very good for my soul.

Within the darkness there is no light, but that does not mean light isn’t coming. Through the darkness I found a bit of new inspiration, even as I stumbled through the day, rising and falling, I pressed forward.

Only time and God can tell if I am on the right path.

Now, I go to sleep, but not before enjoying a very late dinner.

morning

The ground is wet, the deck is soaked, my kayak sitting outside looks as if a storm came by. Trees drip from their branches. Yet it did not rain last night. The fog was thick, so thick it collected on the trees and all the plants, saturating the air.

The sun came out this morning, clear and bright, no indication of the fog remaining.

I, for some reason, have little or no desire to write today. I find myself intentionally and unintentionally being distracted, taking up other tasks, and letting the time go by.

Ah, it is the sabbath. To be sure I rarely ever take a real sabbath, less now than even when I was in school. Certainly less than when I was working regularly. The lack of validation drives me stronger, keeping from resting when I should, making me press on past this present stage. Not so much for a change of tasks, but for a measure of support.

The monks said it was good to work, and so they made baskets, copied writings, did what they could to facilitate the real aspects of their lives, the complete quest for Christ.

That is the difficulty of now, my complete quest is hampered by realities, so I work to find a way to facilitate, pursuing passions at the same time, trusting God is in control, waiting on him.

Today, though, I weary of work without reward, tire of tasks that take up most of my week and still make me feel I have to justify my existence as though I watched tv all the day.

There is no validation for spiritual pursuits, and to make this pursuit fully in this present world is well nigh impossible to combine with the pursuits which do deliver validation.

So, I choose. And sometimes the choice becomes tiresome. Most of those I know, most of society is fairly comfortable making the choice, and choosing to sacrifice the spiritual pursuits for ‘being responsible’, most everyone I know feeling that vague sense of spiritual incompleteness. But since everyone has the same discontent there is a measure of peace in the choice. I have made the opposite choice, feel a similar discontent for the lack in the other aspect of life, and yet have no one around to share this choice of path. So, the road becomes lonely at times.

With God there can be both, but the path is long, and sometimes a person needs to sit down along the trail and rest a spell.

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