All day it was sunny, windy as well. Blue sky was mingled with a bare mist, more a scene of northern California than southern.
Then evening came, and the fog rolled in, billowed in, streamed in. Long before the sun set, one’s breath became visible. Not something one would expect so near the Solstice. I do love the mountains, there is a respect for what weather should be. At night it becomes cloudy, the seasons make themselves known, cool breezes accompany a warm sun, there is surprise in what will come.
The frantic feeling continued, a new nuance revealed itself. It was present, but I hadn’t put my finger on it. Something sinister. I don’t know what. That was the feeling, the trepidation of expectation, on guard, alert for what will come. Either something here or something near, I don’t know why, only I know the feeling. It was the feeling in which I would have been surprised to have anything happen to family or friends, but not at all surprised to see something tragic on the news.
There was nothing, though this doesn’t mean there was really nothing. All the day I felt a burden to pray, to stop, even if for a moment, and say a few words.
I remain the same, the same watchfulness, awareness that not all is at it seems. I could be wrong, it could be a bit of high blood pressure, or differently expressed depression.
I remember feeling like this the night LA erupted in riots back in ’92. I had a good youth group then, I was a student leader of sorts. I left the group in a bit of a fog, disturbed in mind and soul, when I found out what was going on, what confirmed my inner self, I came back, and asked a few others to pray with me for a while. We did, about five of us, for a very long while.
If I had a group tonight, one I could trust, I would do the same. And I don’t know why. The news says nothing.
And I know that in my more recent contexts this would have been an impossible task, community in name only, not when it shows itself to be real.
So, I sit here, type, and distract myself. There are no fires creeping over the edges of the hills, nor panicked citizens fleeing downtown. I could easily doubt, and dismiss. Or I could sit and pray a while, letting myself feel what it is all around, and responded to what I know even if I can’t see.
The latter is really the only worthwhile choice.
And curiously, again I find the internet connection to be broke. I write this tonight, and will post it tomorrow.
If this is the sinister event, then that’s nice, only I feel the vibe has gone a little overboard.