morning

A talking squirrel woke me up this morning. It was on my balcony, picking up seed and chatting away. I cannot yet understand the squirrel language, so I don’t know what it was saying, mabye it was just one of those types who likes to talk while they eat. The overcast morning again burned off with the rising sun. Two jays flew down, one with a long piece of thread or fur in its mouth, then off they went with their own chatter to build the nest. A chipmunk, very small, very darting, striped with white from its eyes to the end of its long thin tail, sits on the woodpile, waving its tail slowly. Chipmunks adore woodpiles. It’s natural enough and has a lot of crevices and steps, making it like playground equipment for the local rodents. I see it every day, going about its business, darting into the saplings.

I’m finding myself more interested in frittering away this day than doing something productive. The only problem is no way of frittering comes to mind.

This is the kind of day where if people were around, people who were spontaneous and interesting and fun, I’d take a trip to Santa Barbara, or hike around the trails of the Malibu hills or even play a competitive sport or video game. The Sabbath draw is strong.

I look at some self-tutoring books, and my mind drifts, the lack of impetus sapping my desire.

It would be so easy to just drift away, to fall into tasks for money or esteem. For there a person can float along, propelled by the expectations of others, always being goaded from behind and pulled from ahead, a psychological and social current which makes everything if not easy, at least without thought.

So, I drink some coffee, turn on some upbeat music, drink some water, and write this. I enjoyed taking classes because they made me study that which I wanted to study, but wouldn’t on my own. Now without classes I am faced with that which I want to study and nothing giving reason to put in the effort. Discipline is of course a part of this, but even more so is faith, for it is through the lense of faith that activities without visible meaning now can take on meaning for the future which is not yet.

This too is why I like working with others, collaborative ministry or teaching, for several people balance each other out, highs and lows, gifts and talents. Outside impetus and encouragement, with the sharing of the task is so important for living out the Christian life. That’s the point of the monastery, the Christian life in its depths is far too difficult to do on one’s own. We Protestants don’t delve into the depths very much, so we don’t often realize the need for daily community.

I feel that need today. That is not an option, however, at this point, so I will continue to forge my way as it has been presented.

I do pray for freedom in this all.