morning

Birds sing joyously, ravens go out and back from a large dead pine, a nest in the upper branches. The sun reflects off my water sitting next to me, making the light dance on the wall. Webs abound in all sorts of places, visible signs of spider wanderings. It feels like it will be a warm day, though not quite yet, and thankfully not as warm as where I was last year at this time.

I’m going to church again this morning, a different church than last week. I’m not really sure what I’m looking for, which makes expectations significantly lower. I’m not even sure why I’m looking, or if I’m looking. It is purely a reaction to what I feel in the moment. I know it is the right thing to do right now. What comes is out of my sight at the moment.

There is the sense that I need a community to gather around. Though I am not really sure this is a matter of strength for me, or a concession to weakness. I’m not away from the body, really, so maybe I am needing to find a place of affirmation, a place where my vainglory and pride could be religiously commended.

The fact is, I know this to be true, if it is not of God, as Gamaliel said wisely, then it won’t go anywhere. So, why am I worried. I worry I suppose because I want everything to become free and easy, for God’s hand to be lifted, to have doors open, to have fruit. My worry is that this again is a situation where I find more doors closed, the paths blocked. I weary of God’s “no”. That’s my issue. Not that I haven’t kept trying, it just wears on the soul.

This, though, as I write discourages, so I’ll change direction, back to the present, back to hope and light. I do trust God is at work, I do believe that the door will opened, I find great truth in the ol’ Garth Brooks song, Unanswered Prayers. Not just in romance, as he sings about (which is also very true for me as well), but in all areas of life. I would have easily settled, and the more I walk this difficult path, the more I see the possibilities open up broader and better. Or, I’m just an optimist, looking at the bright side of life.

It really depends on the end. The path is tricky for some, easy for others, and only at the end of the race do we see who wins the prize. If I am locked in a cave for my whole life, and that is the will of God, then my success will not be determined by how much money I make… it will rest solely on how I endured the cave, and grew in the darkness.

This all does force us to gaze at the present in a unique way, though not without looking to the future. It is not our personal future we are supposed to look at, however. Yes, this is a part, but as a whole we are to keep our eyes on the end, on the goal, the prize which is heaven, the truth that will be revealed in the last days.

How would we live if we really believed in Christ’s return and victory? If we really understood our citizenship lies in heaven, our hope is not in this present world. I’ve come to realize how all of that is purely rhetoric, to me, to most others. Very, very few people actually live as though what is taught about the End is really the case.

That is a secret, I think, of living in the present, realizing the Eternity all around us, realizing the fleeting nature of this present life, understanding the hope and glory which is real, though not yet manifested fully.

We grasp a hold of that, take it into our hearts, and we begin, just begin, to understand what Paul was writing about in all of his letters.

That’s the journey, I suppose.