Some nights I enjoy sleeping. Last night was one of those, where it was delightful to pull the covers over myself, and fade away. It was restful, delightful, and waking up to a sunny Spring morning is delectable. Slight haze covers the rising sun, birds sing and fly around, new sounds (babies?) emerge from the branches, as do small red leaves from the more lively oaks. A chipmunk waves its tail as it basks in the morning light atop the woodpile, resting for a moment before moving on. This is going to be a warmer day, a taste of summer for a moment.

I realized yesterday that churches remind me a great deal of dating. Having committed I stay committed, only with difficulty breaking away. Bad experiences turn me off to the whole quest for a long while, though once I again explore, I enjoy it. To stay where it is not comfortable is often said to be a matter of commitment. That can be true, not always. Sometimes we should not stay in abusive or degrading situations, nor even stay where the fit is not right. Because a church exists does not demand our commitment. The commitment goes both ways, and we must learn to find that which fits our giving and our receiving. God never calls us to endure hardship without cause, the spiritual life is not one which assumes our unhappiness. Yes there are moments of sacrifice, moments of humility. No one has, however, ever benefited from following the lead of a fool or the lost. This is the importance of discernment, there are no set rules, only the rule of obedience to Christ and the Spirit, whose leadership is fluid.

Today I ponder my life, and the wrestlings of another with similar questions about Church, though in a significantly different place.

I wonder what I could have done in the past, how I could have fought to overcome the difficulties which seemed to bind me. Or, I consider whether the difficulties were not to be overcome because they were the hand of God steering me in a certain direction. Sometimes fighting against the issues which assail is fighting against the God who brings the issues. Until we hit the heart of the problems, return to the proper path, our fight is not a noble one. Hard to tell, for discernment in the situation is the only guide.

So, I continue to ponder, continue to debate myself, thinking I am on the right path, though feeling confused why the path is unfamiliar and not freeing. Yet, I continue on, not trusting myself, only the compass I have been given.

And learn to keep at the tasks at hand, while enjoying the beauty all around.