Overcast skies dissipate as the sun rises. morning light shines through the mist. Heavy breeze blows white along, and green around. A jay, unmindful of its rudeness, screeches loud in a nearby tree, then flies to the balcony to do the same. “I’m Here! I’m Here! It’s Morning! I’m Here!” Or so my translation goes. This is the first morning chainsaws are not active near or in the distance. Only the quiet sounds of wind and nature on a Spring morning, whispers of a reality I yearn to grasp. I love the sound of wind, a whisper with power. A chickadee chirps merry in a tree above, a Spring sound if there ever was one.

I still seek wisdom and search for right perspective. A part of me suggests I cut the cords which remain, though thin they are, no longer connecting myself to a past which only may have been, instead seeking only future and light. There is sense to this, theological stirrings.

There is not just one path in life which can be trod. Should the Israelites have crossed the Jordan when they first arrived? Yes, I think, the forty years were perfect only because God retains his own perfection, shaping the world to fit his plan. Only it was not the ideal, it was not the plans.

We all walk right and not so right, choosing to embrace and choosing to reject that which is before us. In the rejections we, I think, retain the residue of the ‘could have been’, a deep part of our soul grieving for the loss, and still wanting to go back and embrace it. Only the path has changed, the once perfect is now a different perfect.

A person can live their whole lives embracing this former perfect, and many have. We mourn the loss of a possible future, and feel the weight of decisions wrongly made, by us or others. For certain, we are not the only influencers of our path. Those called to tasks who do not do them are not always replaced by others. So there is loss. The Israelites wish to cross the Jordan anyhow, God tells them to go wander. There is only defeat where once there was victory.

So, what to do with that which remains? Stay connected? Cut loose? I don’t know. This morning I seek forward, so the taste of the past is acrid. Maybe I need to find the new path before I consider again the old.

Evagrius said, “If your attention falters, pray. As it is written, pray in fear and trembling, earnestly and watchfully. We ought to pray like that, especially because our unseen and wicked enemies are trying to hinder us forcefully.”

That is the urging in my own heart. The urging which I felt in the middle of the night, laying awake, watching two spiders move across the ceiling far out of reach.

I consider again the call, and seek wisdom. Those who seek shall find, it is written. I pray this is true.