Learning to Dance

Explorations in the Spiritual Life

Date: April 16, 2004

evening

The clouds rolled in thick last night, filling the air with a wet chill. It was cold through the night, not enough for me to close my window, though certainly enough for me to grab an extra blanket. I always sleep well in cold weather.

Some various issues required me to take apart my computer last night, and do some things which lasted into the evening (no exciting Friday nights here in the mountains, I suppose). It was late, and almost with glee I realized I didn’t have to delve deeply and write. My computer was not working, so what could I do?

I could, of course, take pen and paper as I’ve done in the past and write out, then later copy, my thoughts. This idea didn’t occur to me until this morning. How eagerly we grasp on to excuses to avoid our discipline, how little it takes for us to give reasonable reasons to not do that which we are called to do. They seem so appropriate at the time, so fitting, so final. What could I have done? A rather lot, really, only I wanted to grasp onto a reason to just go to bed without either noticing the goings on inside or outside.

Alas.

My morning writing will come later, I’m trying to finish this last bit of computer stuff so that I can jump fully into a rhythm which I don’t want to interrupt. And yes, I know there is irony in this decision given my previous paragraphs.

morning

Cirrus clouds move by quick high above, thickening as they come, from wispy waves before to more blanketed sky. A cold wind rustles all, while the sound of continued cutting echoes from other hillsides. The jays came by for their morning visit, all other animals are gone for the time, but for a chipmunk rummaging through the fir saplings near where I sit. Squirrels are not around, it has been at least a few days since I saw one even from a distance. I play music on my headphones to block out the random noise of yelling and sawing.

I got to work early this morning, but did not write. That is my purpose right now, I know. Instead I got to the technical stuff of changing a look, and delving into codes and problems which do not excite or motivate me. That is fine, I am still building a ground work.

There are issues on my mind now, issues relating to my purpose and place. Only they are vague and rambling, so not worth writing quite yet. I do need prayer, I think, though not for anything wrong or negative. I am at a point where I am trying to get my bearing again. It happens every few months or so. A bit like hiking through the wilderness, occasionally stopping and looking at a compass, checking the map, looking at the world around, in order to make sure that one hasn’t gotten off path.

The technical stuff does not arouse, it deadens and distracts, annoys me in a way, though I appreciate being able to move farther forward because of these tasks. After a few hours now, however, I feel my mind and soul slipping from the heights. Rather than turning, though, I may forge forward, sacrificing this day so that others may better engage the wonderful life-giving rhythm and flow.

It is noisy out, and so not completely a day of peace. Might as well use it for what it is, I think.

I may add thoughts during the midday. Something more in keeping. There’s a lot of rattle inside, just my brain is diverted from the consideration.

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