morning

A cool breeze blows, rustling branches, jingling distant wind chimes, filling the soul with ease. Jays chatter, in different voices, some even visit for a bit of breakfast. The balcony feels open, a change I think I appreciate. Trees still surround, just not as close. The sun has moved north faster than I expected, now quite in view of my present chair, though not yet, as it has not come above the hills.

I suspect today will be another busy day, another day in which the surrounding yards will be filled with those cleaning and fixing. Not quite as noisy as yesterday, to be sure. In fact a van comes up the driveway right now, even at this early hour.

So, again I will divert my attention away from my usual tasks, feeling now the weight of too long diversion.

This is, I’m well aware, also likely the source of my growing discontent. There is only grace for me if and when I am focused on writing, on other similar tasks. It has been a week since I could pour myself into that, and I feel my mind slipping away, my soul following, asking questions of my present status, wishing for more. Only when I focus, only when I do that which I know I am called to do am I filled with peace and rest.

It is right and good to take a break, to enjoy company of others, to celebrate holidays. Now, though, I feel like sloughing off all that constrains and distracts, and am eager to just sit in quiet again.

There is only grace in doing that which God has called one to do. We have learned to fight these feelings, though, explaining them away by our own weakness or needs, not trusting that God is whispering. When his whispers do not delight, or make sense, we ignore them, and can live entire lives wallowing in a vague discontent, always seeking, never finding, because we aren’t willing to go where God is leading.

That is part of why I am here. For some reason I knew a fair number of people, friends, who are five or more years older than I. One of whom has found some measure of calling, others who I see as stuck in a way. I saw them, and while they have a measure of real success, there is that gnawing which I do not want to feel anymore. That is why I’m willing to stop, to force my way through those feelings, spending focused months or years so that when I am ten years older I also will be ten years spiritually older.

Too many people yearn for Christ and yet never grasp a hold, always approaching never finding. I want to move past this point in my own life, and drop the ‘church should be…, but isn’t because…, and I should just do…’ comments. I will never find peace in church if I don’t find peace inside, with Christ, learning to know and understand my part in all of this.

So, this morning, I feel the yearning to focus again, to shake off the frustrations and move forward. If I stop now, divert my eyes to immediate satisfaction, I will never embrace that which is higher. It is a choice. Well, I’m not sure it is, God’s hand has held me in many ways, the choice is my attitude more than my opportunities.

Today, though, my day will not give much time for this focus. So, I pray that it is another kind of day, one which brings peace and joy, delight in friendship.