It’s 2 o’clock, and I’m throwing the entire system off by writing right now. The wind is blowing rather fierce, the sky is overcast, only the barest sun shines through from the south. Nearby, though not next door, a crew is busy removing yet more pine trees. Their trucks and saws fill the air with mechanical noise.

I’m writing because I don’t feel right not writing. This is more than just a regular way of letting the world know what I’m up to, it’s a spiritual discipline, meaning I write what is there, not just when something interesting is there.

Why did I want to pause? Because I’m not sure what is going on. Yesterday, hell opened up on me, and I’m not sure why. From morning to evening I just felt wrapped in every negative emotion and thought, crushed by the weight of being. Yes, this has a character of depression. But, there was something more, something very spiritual. I know this for a fact, only I can’t put my finger on it, so rather than trying to write out the vague thoughts, I took a pause.

I’m approaching an understanding, and certainly I do not feel the same weight. Maybe, a person shouldn’t spend so much time focused on the crucifixion. Likely, there are many reasons, all of which have a place in the interpretation. My discernment of something went off the charts yesterday, and I don’t have the backup resources to be able to manage it real well.

So, that’s the study of my heart today. What was I feeling? What was internal, what was external? What was natural, what was spiritual? Even with all of this, however, is the added question of what happened that short circuited my own responses. True Spiritual maturity isn’t just understanding and discerning, it is understanding the positive and negative without letting one’s own soul become disturbed. If I was sensitive to something that is one thing, how I responded is another.

What I do know is what I said yesterday, in feeling what I did, I did not have the accompanying resources outside myself to help process. I did not, in addition, feel the reality of the resurrection, knowing it in theology and words, but not in personal experience. This raises a lot of questions for me even beyond the questions which were raised, concerning my present distance and status.

I continue to weigh and discern, praying for wisdom, talking with some others I respect, hoping to find some insight. There is some, and it is both inward and outward. More on that later, and maybe over time as I process.