Gentle rain drops on the ground, dripping off branches and limbs, a quiet percussion with the light breeze. Earlier it snowed, somewhat heavy for a while, with thunder accompaniment. I watched the storm come in this afternoon. One moment it was sunny, then like an invading horde, clouds rolled through, reminding me of the army of the dead in the Return of the King. It poured over the land, the tide of weather coming in. Then it rained, then it snowed, now a restful drizzle. The jays were bothered, I watched one caught on a branch during a moment of hail. It could not fly anyway without being pummeled, so it rested against the trunk, shaking its head, looking thoroughly irritated. Once the hail turned back to rain, then snow, the jay screeched loud three times and flew away, trying to keep the appointments it had maybe missed.
I spent the day with Christ. At least my tasks kept me there, if not as personally connected as I would like. Still the restlessness was high from morning until now, the feeling of anticipation for an unknown keeping me alert. I realized this evening I’ve lost some weight again, pants once tight are now very loose. I don’t notice these things, just go through rhythms of eating less and doing more. I wonder if the restlessness is less a spiritual intuition and more a result of the low grade fasting I’ve been doing. Not real fasting, that I stopped doing a while back when I realized I always expected something to result from it, more so than prayer. If I don’t eat I want a reward, a prize. So I stopped, picking it up occasionally now and then, but mostly waiting until I and God come to some terms with each other. My present fasting is more extending my cravings, waiting to eat and eating less than what would fill. That seems to be a good task, especially in the American context.
Food, though, is not my issue, it never has been, so maybe I’m taking advantage of a strength, and helping it shape my weaknesses. That’s my hope, I suppose. Though really not, since my pattern has little to do with intentional discipline. I do wonder though, if my body is getting my attention by keeping me restless. Considering this, I still think it’s some kind of spiritual resonance, only I’m not sure what kind.
I spent the day considering the passion of Christ, and working through his story. Whenever I do this I find my interest and delight growing… which is part of why I have this present website. It’s a devotional tool to give me cause to do that which I love, but seem to leave off doing if there is no practical response. I’ve not the hermit in me, I guess, able to be content in quiet solitude my whole life. I want the interaction, want the participation. Only, God’s hand is heavy now, and seems to have me where I should be.
In the spiritual life one has to come to terms with the Spirit and with Christ, learning to look only to them for both sustenance and confirmation. The process of learning this is a difficult one, especially for those of us who must learn lessons anew seemingly everyday.
I stumble and fall, trip and collapse, running headlong into thorny brush, before I’m put back on the path. The reality is, though, at a certain point there is no other option. Once committed to the rapids the only way out is to follow them to the calm. Trying to go backwards are even sideways is dangerous, is foolhardy. Once a person leaps in, they’ve committed themselves to the end. Which is why, I guess, it seems many Christians just want to get their feet wet. The water is dangerous, and yet, beauty awaits.
Today I feel the weight of knowing that I am fully committed now, only able to see this through, come what may, hoping and praying that at some point I did not misunderstand. Now, there is no other path. I might as well learn to get used to it, and enjoy the sights as they go by.
Now, though, I think I’ll enjoy the sights of my own dreams.