A windy day has calmed. Birds once noisy have retired for the night. I see Arcturus shining through the cedar branches to my right, Ursa Major is high to the north, peeking through a soon to be gone pine.
A day of quiet activity, and the occasional creeping discontent which whispered throughout the afternoon. I did not heed, and sought other tasks, even if that meant just staring at the darkening forest outside for a long while, letting my thoughts flow away. Computer activity drives me down, inciting frustration and thoughts of elsewhere. However, I again tasted of a love this evening as I forged my way through restlessness.
I began reading some church history, ancient writings which spoke so powerfully millennia ago and speak so powerfully even still should they be dusted off. My problem though is a surprising practical bent. I love to study, just not for its own sake. I want to communicate, to take and reveal, to illuminate or expound for some purpose. This is true in all manner of study, Scripture and History, and other areas of interest. I value the time to research and peruse, though only if I can then transmit what I learn to some pragmatic context. This is what keeps me from heartily pursuing the ivory tower, I think. I study the magic to use it, not to hold it for my own regard.
Though when I find a purpose, and get back to those spots of joy, I love every moment and find my soul enlarging, even as it does while watching the night sky over a barren isle. Like a racing engine, though, when not pushed it tends to collapse, a fact which is not one of my better qualities.
To learn to do for its own sake is a gift, maybe one which has to be innate. Or, maybe it takes faith, faith to trust in preparation for tasks unseen. Earlier quests certainly aided my beginning of seminary.
Part of this too is another fact of my present existence. Having traveled the roads of Christian learning for a while now my more personal questions have been answered. And it was these which drove me to the halls of learning. While assisting and leading others is now my training, my quest was always to find that which I sought. I sought God, and I found him, leaving much of my confusion and questions behind. Though, admittedly he is more complicated and grand than even a lifetime of learning could teach, my pressing questions of eternal being and personal standing no longer press, and thus no longer drive.
So, I have to turn and find other sources of inspiration, other reasons to get me to do that which I love to do. I must also wait, doing my tasks of now, and doing them well, while at the same time trusting that the fullness of time has not yet come. Become sharp and stay sharp, that is my present quest. A tricky one if the purpose isn’t obvious. That is my lot, however, for the hand of God is strongly upon me.
Now, though, it is very much past the time to go to sleep.