Clouds are covering the land, blocking out the rising sun. Birds are active, the wind is heavy. One could almost expect a storm to be coming. A small tree blooms in the distance, white flowers weighing down the branches, non-native and fitting all at once. Closer to my view is a squirrel foraging on the ground, running over pavement and dirt. They only visit my balcony on snowy, stormy days.
My agitation of last night, from internal doubt and external awkward communication continues. I awoke this morning praying for three specific people, whose lives are in points of stress. Surfacing as I continued to awake were thoughts stirred up like leaves in the wind, unmanageable, scattering. While last night I was wishing to understand the spirituality of it, understanding my role, this morning I am a wee bit more offended.
It takes my eyes off my goal. I awake this morning not with thoughts of how to pursue the creative life, how to progress in fiction or add another touch of spirituality. I awake instead agitated, distanced from my calling, forced back to engage the past of which I have moved beyond. My eyes were turned, and while I am willing to engage others with where they are at, I cannot lose sight any longer. I understand Antony in the desert.
I cannot be what others may want me to be. My goal is Christ, and those around me can aid me, or they can even give me rest and restoration, but I can’t be dissuaded anymore. I have no desire to return to Egypt, though I may have left friends there. There is only forward. I have friends who journey along, some who stay. For my own sake I have to keep my eyes on the prize, even if it means only me and Christ.
Today will be spent attempting to regain that which I lost, that which I lost because I am not yet strong enough to maintain my sight in storms.
I am young, spiritually immature, only having gone a short while along the Way. It is too easy to distract me, to tempt me, to pull me away, leaving me not with change, but with increasing confusion. For I know the path, and so today I must walk it again, come what may. I pray for peace, for strength, for wisdom. The road is unclear right now, and I have to trust Christ will bring it back into focus. There is nothing else.
I also have a bit of a stiff neck this morning, I must have slept in an odd position. God warns, of course, against stiff-necked people, so hopefully in all things I can move on.