I feel anxious in my heart, and I don’t know why. Since earlier this afternoon I was bothered by noise, by some vibe I could not identify. My fan fell, and broke, pieces flying out while the motor still spun. It is a restlessness, an impatience, without focus. Maybe I just need to go for a long run tomorrow. A week more of another form of the same cold kept me inside, my head throbbing from sinuses overfilled. So, now that I feel better… again… my body cries out for action, for movement, for exercise. I do not know if this is it, I just know that because of my inactivity I am now unsure. If we can address the causes of distraction that narrows down the sense, crossing off the usual suspects and letting us find the real culprit. In letting things slide, even for good cause, we lose that sense.
This is why the physical meditation of the Eastern religions have much going for them. By settling the body, they seek to settle the soul. Christian life has too long been caught up in the dismissal of the body, ignoring our full selves. Wesley, of course, held very strongly to daily physical activity, it was part of his spiritual discipline. I don’t read of this in the current texts. Too much is made of the mystical acts, without regard to the simple physical responses, interacting with ourselves, pushing our bodies, letting our souls enlarge through activity.
It is a good lesson, and one which I shall certainly keep in mind. Especially in our era of little forced physicality we most go the extra length to engage the fullness of who we are. But now it is too late.
A jet flies over, the cool mountain air brings instant ease to my heart. I gaze at saplings, a crowd of them on the hill, seeking their way in this world. Some are small pines, fighting what may be a losing cause in this environment.
To be honest, there are times in which I am delighted to write, and times in which the discipline of the act kicks in, for I am more eager to sit and stare. This is one of those latter moments, when engaging these words feels awkward and empty. It is not, of course, the discipline keeping me where I need to be, helping even if it does not come out of my soul. I pray God will give me peace, and help me wade through this unsettled time, for whatever reason it may be arising, whether through confusion about or troubles within.