Ursa Major shines through the branches of the trees to my north. Little else can be seen of the heavens above while standing on my balcony, but this, especially the part known as the big dipper, shines clear. Directly to my right, and high, shining bright even through the thicker branches of a live cedar I see Jupiter, bold though the sky is bright with moonlight. Two dogs bark, distant cars drive to their destinations. Earlier a bat flew out and back beneath where I stood, its movement and shadows the only indication of its brief presence. Bugs can be seen, reflecting the glow of artificial light. These are what bring out the bats to be sure. Coyotes gather on a far off ridge. A neighbor’s rottweiller howls in response.
Today was one of those days. The kind that brings sighs of remembrance and are welcomed to finish. Nothing terrible, just an aura of confusion throughout. I started the day with what I call the more active kind of acedia. The kind which seeks diversion, wallowing in discontent for the quiet tasks, needing stimulation. From there frustrations grew, computer troubles, then more. Nothing works, I am told all is well, but nothing works. I was bumped to the next levels, and still nothing. There are a few things which raise my ire or cause frustration unrestrained. Rudeness of any sort will do it. Needless waiting. And computer troubles, when all is being done right and things get worse. The crews of various kinds of workers were in the neighborhood, bringing power tools, unmelodious singing, and loud conversation. I felt it, and I succumbed to it, unable for a moment to regain focus, unable to watch as I should watch.
Times like these raise other questions in my mind. What was in me and what was about me? Was the confusion purely my own, or was I feeling the weight of surrounding forces arrayed. Both have been true in the past. I do not know of today. This does not excuse my own missteps. The mark of the Spiritual is to feel the confusion but not be drawn in by it. To understand but not participate. There are things seen and unseen which affect the sensitive. Oddly, I am generally sensitive. Odd I say because I tend to operate mostly in a thinking mode, not a feeling. Yet, the weight of a aura comes strong to me, more when I am focused, strongly when I am in prayer.
I end this day not knowing. I am not yet advanced. Neither can I give details, nor can I keep myself above the fray. Two signs that the road stretches out still long before me.