morning

Looking up one sees only blue, not even a wisp of white. It is not yet late in the morning but all the snow piled on branch and limb is gone, bare greens and browns remain. The snow melts quick. The ground, and all upon it, are still snowy, more slushy than powder. Rain last night, very early in the morning, assured the snows temporary state. Breeze blows strong, whistling through the pines, rustling branches, sounding much like distant traffic The patter of water falling on snow continues, not from clouds, from rooftops and trees. A woodpecker screeches a couple of times, then a tap-tap-tap, repeated, echoes from a distant tree. It is the sound of the wind which dominates and soothes. I awoke earlier to see a squirrel staring at me from the balcony, wondering why the seed was gone, I was wondering why he was out earlier than usual. Which reminds me, I need to put out some seed.

At 2:30 this morning my dog woke me up barking at who knows what. He keeps going until someone asks him to stop, congratulating him for his duty well done. I couldn’t get back to sleep. So I read. Then my mind and soul turned, a weight descended, all the negative perspectives on life and being fell upon me with unrelenting fury. My thoughts turned sour. What should have been, began as, a meditative time of too early morning prayer became something else, a slogging through accusation and frustration, doubting everything I do and am. I wish I could say I maneuvered my way through with grace and ease. I did not. I did eventually get back to sleep, however, and woke again at a more reasonable time feeling the weight lifted, maybe the sun shining has that effect, but the residue of “what happened?” remains.

There is a danger with all of this for me. For many years my spiritual focus has fluctuated, the times of dedicated fervor have always been accompanied by some massive frustration or problem coming up. Cars catch fire, mountains catch fire, cars get stolen, family gets severely ill, financial security collapses, job security collapses. I persevere holding on because of the glory I have seen, knowing the Enemy seeks to dissuade me. Because it has worked in the past the same pattern will like continue, until I learn to be content in and through all circumstances, full of peace despite the storms which rage.

I am increasingly acknowledging God’s purposes in this present for me are less specifically about writing and more about being, becoming, sloughing off the accumulated grime and wandering the trail of sanctification. Others have mentioned Emerging Church conferences and tasks, of which I had, have, a prevailing interest. Now, though, I feel I’ve gone from seminar to advanced courses, whiled away like Antony for independent study. It is not uncommon an occurrence. Doubts emerge strongly, though, when not covered by actions either good or ill. Having space reveals much, much we would rather avoid.

Today my tasks involve sorting through the present, washing off the residue, and reaffirming my passion to engage Christ. It is my solemn desire to do and be that which he requires, holding onto nothing, willing to go anywhere at a moment’s notice. This is my prayer. My doubt is whether I hear right, and am somehow missing the moment.

I read today of Israel before the Jordan, twelve scouts sent out, all but two returning in doubt. Their timidity resulted in decades of more wilderness. I want to be of the Two, only I am not sure if I am. The doubts return, coming against my own intuition. My prayer is for guidance and the ability to hear it when it comes. I am willing to wait, if wait I must. This morning, though, I worry that my wait is of my own creation. So, I pray and ask others for prayer wanting only to find again Christ and Spirit, and live according to Divine direction.